Burnt-out: the curse of the over-achiever

Have you ever thought to yourself “I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn’t done so well at school and just got a normal job working at Tesco?”. I have, numerous times. And I know I’m not the only person who’s felt the burden of being on the track of an overachiever. It looked something like this for me: did well academically at school (classic A* student), went to a top university, got on one of the best* graduate schemes in the country, then worked tirelessly through my 20s to have a successful career. You might be familiar with this track yourself or know someone who’s been on it. Their life seems to have been a breeze and to the outside world this came down to natural talent and a good work ethic. The reality more likely is that they’ve worked ridiculously hard, been through rejection and possibly felt the effects of burn-out.

I’m not stating that the notion of burn out is exclusive to those who followed this particular path, however, even though I’m just starting out as a coach it’s a common theme with a few of my coaching clients. Being “burnt out” can mean many things to many people but it usually denotes the culmination of physical and mental exhaustion to the point where you can no longer function normally in society while the body goes into automatic shutdown to protect itself. Alongside being a long-term sufferer of high-functioning anxiety I have had two distinct period of burnout in my own life which until now I have kept very private.

Burnout 1: December 2006

Aged 18 and in my final year of A-levels I burnt out for the first time. During my AS levels in the year previous I’d almost had too successful a year; got 4 A’s, passed my driving test and got a Saturday job at a lovely gift shop in town which I loved. My sixth form convinced me to stick with doing 4 A-levels to give me a “better shot at Cambridge” however I’d started the academic year with an unknown illness that had made me really tired (I was later diagnosed in March 2007 with my underactive thyroid; cheers body) and threw myself into my academics as a way of keeping control when I knew I wasn’t in control of my own body. I also began to control my eating by skipping lunch; disordered eating as opposed to an eating disorder per se. Everything I was doing was to try to regain control of my life, when there were things I knew I couldn’t.

On the road to burnout #1 September 2006

I’d had a very busy week early in the December; I’d be preparing for my “Individual Assignment” in History which was essentially memorising an essay I had researched and written to be regurgitated under exam conditions and had had a day out for my interview up in Cambridge. I had put myself under a lot of pressure to do well; my sister was already reading Law at Cambridge and I felt like I’d be a disappointment to my parents if I didn’t get in. The younger sibling that just wasn’t good enough. They say comparison is the thief of joy, but by this point it had stolen my life. I was early on in my shift at the gift shop in the afternoon that Saturday and the manager was upstairs having her lunch. One of the Christmas temps said something which in hindsight was really nasty, and I went upstairs pretending to get some stock when I was actually having what I now know to be my first ever panic attack.

I then had one of the most significant conversations of my entire life. As a family, we didn’t talk about things at depth and as a result I never really learnt how to control and express my feelings in a healthy and validating way. I had attempted to gain control through over studying and under eating and I can remember quite vividly that conversation with that manager; she’d noticed I’d been becoming increasingly unwell because she had been through something similar. It was her, not my parents, who took me to the doctors that first time to ask for help. I felt embarrassed to tell my tutor at 6th form what had happened, shameful of what I had allowed myself to become.

It took me a good six months+ to recover from this episode of burnout. I had a lot of sick days from 6th form. I had my own private rooms for exams. I turned down a pool interview at Cambridge because I could barely string a sentence together without bursting into tears. I somehow still managed to get As in my January modules despite doing no revision. I’m not even sure how I managed to recover, perhaps the drive to go to university and experience the freedom that would provide me with. I never really asked for help or analysed it in therapy which most probably would have helped me to put measures in place to avoid future burnout.

Burnout 2: July 2018

Three days before The Breakdown - July 2018

Fast-forward 11 years and I’m heading for full burnout round two. Aged 29 I’ve already taken a side step and 10k pay cut to afford myself a better quality of life, or so I thought. What I’d actually done is landed into a role and team where you had to fight for promotion when a role became available. To give myself the best shot at being the person they would choose I used to get to the office at 7:45am and not leave until 7pm; this seemed reasonable given my previous audit hours. In reality, this meant I was doing nearly 3 hours a day extra to my peers, 15 hours a week, 60 hours a month. I just thought that if I could get that promotion I’d be able to put the brakes on, take the foot off the accelerator. And I did get that promotion, except it was only temporary mat cover. I still felt like I needed to work my absolute hardest and stay late to prove I was worthy of a permanent promotion. A few months down the line our team was to undergo a major restructure and as a result I had to reapply for the job I had been “acting up” into and working so hard to prove my worth in. I also knew there were two manager vacancies and five applicants, two of whom had had a longer tenure at rank 2.5 (even though I was technically doing a rank 3 role) and were equally credible, hard working individuals.

The weight dropped from my body, I was exhausted and I tried to control the controllables by completely over engineering my presentation for the interview. I then had to wait six weeks until all interviews had been conducted to get my outcome (I have subsequently learned this is not unusual for internal roles in the Big 4) by which point I was completely broken, had been seeing my GP, occupational health and I really wasn’t well. July 16th was D-day and I knew en-route to the office what my fate would be. I knew before I walked into that meeting room I had not been successful; partly due to tone of communications, mostly as the people giving the outcomes did not sit near me in their usual seats in the office. To this day I still feel incredibly guilty for what our team Head had to witness that day. I can still recall the pain of failure, knowing I had given absolutely everything and gained nothing. I had to face the embarrassment of demotion; I once again wasn’t good enough. I've blocked out much of that day, but I know how unwell I was because the Uber driver that took me home offered me a Twix as he said I didn't look right!

On this occasion it took about 4 months to be able to feel properly again, and then there was a certain sense of irony when I received the performance bonus that only the top 10% in the firm were given. A week after this was paid out I handed my notice in to move across the road for the same promotion (same job, same business, different name and logo!). I found a therapist who completely saw me, not just the burnout but how intertwined elements of my life were and my underlying belief that I’m just not good enough and how that was driving me to behave in certain ways. We started to take a 360 view of everything in my life and I’ve started to become more compassionate towards myself (note starting here, 6 years on!), allowing myself to pull away from work where I need to as a safety net to avoid future full burnout situations.

How can coaching help those recovering from burnout?

I 100% believe that if you’re in the midst of a burn out then therapy, your GP and self-compassion should be your first port of call; please speak to someone. However, once you’re through the burnout and ready to move on with your life and create healthy, sustainable habits then coaching can be really beneficial as it can help you to set goals and improve the balance of priorities in your life. In my coaching work I use the Wheel of Life to take a helicopter view across all aspects to help you to see where there is room for growth and change. We then work in a safe and non-judgemental space to close the gaps between where you are and where you want to be helping you to lead a life you enjoy.

If this exercise sounds of interest to you, why not join me for one of my Balance workshops?

For more information see my events page

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*best: scores highly in any graduate scheme rankings; within the top 10 graduate employers but is actually a massive joke where you’ll sit calculating whether you’re being paid less than minimum wage given hours worked.